not the world i want.
are my cries for help not drenched enough in tears, are my screams for saviour to smothered from the build up of gunk on my chest that is added to day and day from trying to drown my worries in substances.
i cant not do this anymore, dont beleive me when i say everything is going to be ok. im trying as hard as i can to come to peace, i like to tell myself.
I’m never going to get over this, it’s a disease that i have to struggle with. breath in and out, sit very still because with one movement my life is over.
i long for peace, i want to feel at home. all i need is home but i can promise you now that wont fix anything because once i am there i will be searching for the better things.
i just want to live life to the fullest or not live at all, i want to stand on a cliff over the sea and scream so hard that i cant breathe from the dryness on my throat.Then turn around and see the city lights staring back at me.
i want to drive as fast as any car will let me on the wrong side of the road at 4am with the speakers making my ears bleed just knowing that everything will work out, for the better or worst.
i want to run through a daisy field barefoot holding my princes hand, i want to wait for a decade knowing that someone who truly loves my is not resting till they’re face to ace with me hearing my voice.
i want to climb down from my tree top home, walk down to the crystal clear waterfall willed water where i will lay for hours and think about how great it is not to care anymore.
i want everyone to be happy, i want smile field birthdays for everyone and not once house with less then 3 people on Christmas eve. nobody should be alone or treated like a 17th century slave.
i dont want anyone having crazy withdrawals, no one needs that. i dont want girls selling themselves just only for a couple hours of some make-believe head space that they’ve created.
i want my mum, i want all my family back, i want my room, i want my animals, i want my child hood toys, i want childhood forever, I DONT WANT TO BE ALONE. i dont want to grow up.
but y the fuck should what i want matter because i am just a grain of dirt on this mountain that we call a world that is being taken over by vandlism, drugs, hate and lust. how hypocritical.
nothing is ever going to change, im never going to get any of these things and i’ve come to terms with that. i just dont choose to accept it
we’re all put in this together and no one is let of that easy, everyone will always long for that one this extra even if it’s material, mental, social or environmental.
im not special from the next person and i know this. just, when my day comes it will be that extravagant that the world will remember my name. no wonder i haven’t wasted it yet.
